Screamfree Parenting is Hal Runkel’s approach to parenting. He says that “parenting is not about kids, it’s about parents. If you’re not in control, then you cannot be in charge. What every kid really needs are parents who are able to keep their cool no matter what.”
I found myself agreeing with a lot of it.
It made me reflect on how I was raised, and how a lot of how that - for better or for worse - has shaped me into who I am today. And how that in turn didn’t have to reflect how I choose to raise my Little Duck. One particularly poignant chapter asked me to describe my ideal relationship with her when she was 25. Wow, what a jump. And from that, to work backwards into how I raise them today. Ah, well that makes sense. A lot of it even applies to how I want to lead my work team today in terms of empowering and supporting them into being the best version of themselves.
Here’s a list of my favorite quotes:
On p27
We continually surrender control over our emotional responses to those around us… Your emotional responses are. up to you. You always have a choice.
And on p68
When criticized for urging readers to concentrate on their deepest longings for the future, C. S. Lewis came back with a quick but profound retort. He said not to think of it as. wishful thinking, but rather “thoughtful wishing.”
And on p68
It is our child’s job to eventually replace us. - Jerry Seinfeld
And on p68
It is our job to both train our children for that job and get out of the way as they learn to do it.
And on p71
Here are the attributes of a self-directed adult:
- He knows and pursues what he wants in life.
- She gladly seeks counsel from others, but ultimately makes up her own mind.
- They demonstrate integrity, a consistency of their beliefs, desires, words, and actions.
- She holds people accountable for their actions (including her parents), but does not blame others for her own problems.
- He does not let others blame him for their problems.
- They gladly and quickly take responsibility for their decisions.
- He welcomes criticism as. feedback, but does not automatically accept it as truth.
- She takes care of. herself in order to be available to others without needing them to take care of her.
And on p77
Each of us has a space we can call our own. In that space, we have the freedom to explore, to discover possibilities and potential, to make mistakes and learn from them. In that space, we can be comfortable and learn to struggle through out discomfort. We don’t have to put on a mask or pretend. We can be ourselves with no fear or shame.
And on p79
Without space to make their own mistakes, our kids live only borrowed lives.
And on p105
Our goal is not to stifle our children’s expressions of will, desire, and emotion. Our goal is to help steer those expressions along the most productive paths.
And on p107
Before and after engaging in a match, opponents bow to each other. Bowing is an expression of gratitude and respect. In effect, you are thanking your opponent for giving you the opportunity to improve yourself. -Dr. Kano
And on p114
“Labels are among the most powerful forces that shape our relationship with the world. Labels have the remarkable ability to stick far beyond their reasonable life span… Take a moment now to glance at just a few of the labels parents commonly use. Which ones have you been carrying around all these years?”
and on p115
“The tricky part about labeling is that often these labels seem accurate. After all, they don’t simply arrive out of thin air. Labels are typically based on some observable trait or behavioral pattern.
But hear this: You are not a prophet. Most likely you are also not a bio-geneticist. You cannot predict how your children will turn out based on your own intuition or on your family’s physical, mental, and emotional characteristics.”
and on p116
“We are so quick to judge our children according to small slices of life, without ever seeing a broader picture of the different possibilities.”
and on p116
“I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief. -Gerry Spence
and on p116
“Whenever we label our children, we severely limit their space…By labeling, we stamp out the wonder inherent in the childhood journey.”
and on p118
“People love to categorize, compare, and contrast. For some reason, it helps parents and their extended families feel as if they know their children. And we love to know our children. After all, what kind of parents would we be if we didn’t?
So, as they venture out into the world, say for a sleepover, we arm the unsuspecting family with a list.
“They’re finicky, you know.” we warn.
This list may include sleeping habits, the order of bedtime rituals, and an extensive list of their favorite foods. When they come home saying all went well and they even ate green beans for dinner, we find ourselves putting them back into place. “But you don’t like green beans!” As if their palates are already determined; as if we are the gatekeepers to any new preferences.
and on p120
What we do with any repeated label, no matter how positive, is to eliminate our children’s freedom to be evolving, developing human beings.
and on p121
What we must learn as parents is to fight for our children’s right to evolve. We must fight for each child’s right to create his or her own uniqueness in the world. What a gift we give to our children by refusing to stunt their personal development by foistering some “personality” on them.
and on p122 (re: success strategies for removing labels)
- Remove “always, never, all the time, constantly”
- Use “can be”
and on p123
Despite limitations and mistakes in the past, we must continually fight for our children’s best character to evolve, fight for their right to always, always change at a moment’s notice.
and on p137
There is a personal side to parenting as well as a business side.
- Under the personal heading fall such elements as fun, togetherness, nurturing touch, and play.
- Under the [business] side fall the basic operations of the family: setting schedules and rules, enforcing consequences, establishing curfews and bedtimes, and providing the basics of food, clothing, and shelter. And don’t forget about supervising schoolwork and teaching how to close those toilets.”
and on p144
Now, you must understand that children don’t have a firm grasp on where their space ends and yours begins.
and on p145
Children have the very difficult task of asking for us to provide structure while striving to claim as much territory as possible. Parents have the very difficult task of setting limits on their children’s space while respecting their freedom within those limits.
and on p154
You want your children to grow up and accept the consequences for their actions? Then all you have to do is welcome those consequences into your home. It’s really that simple.
and on p157
Consequences are not just the domain of parents. The consequences of our kids’ choices are not just in our hands; as our kids get older, consequences belong more and more in the hands of other authorities.
and on p157
Roger Allen and Ron Roses’ “inoculation” theory about consequences: The more our children are exposed to the small consequences of their small infractions, the less they will have to commit large infractions and experience large consequences.
“We are so quick to judge our children according to small slices of life, without ever seeing a broader picture of the different possibilities.”